Irvine, CA - Authorities were shocked and puzzled to learn that 21 year old Calliope Winters, previously thought dead after she had been missing for over 3 months, was not only alive, but married to Stan Kress, who is 42. Police, responding to a noise complaint called in by surrounding neighbors when they kept hearing throughout the night, "HE DIDN'T DPS THOSE ARE MY GLOVES!!! NEED BEFORE GREED! NEED BEFORE GREEEEDDDD!," discovered Winters when she passed behind Kress who answered the door in nothing but his underwear. "My suspicion became aroused when I saw a dainty figure dart across the kitchen with a tether connecting her neck to the ceiling. I almost didn't see her because of Mr. Kress's ridiculously fat head," said David Black, one of the officers on scene. Entering the premises under probable cause, the officers found a network of pvc pipe, suspended from the ceiling, running throughout the house. Winters was found in a corner of a dirty bathroom with a leather collar around her neck, a thick chain connecting it to one of the pipes above. When questioned, Kress replied that Winters wore the collar "by choice" as a symbol of their unyielding, eternal love. Every attempt to elicit a response from the young girl resulted in frightened stares at Kress, the officers stated. Asking Mr. Kress how the two met, he said that they both played the online video game World of Warcraft. Kress went on to detail how he thought her character, Tessandrafae, a blood elf paladin, was "pretty cute," and spent a good deal of each evening following her around the digital world and /dance-ing with her. It wasn't until Blizzard implemented their Real ID forum feature that Kress confirmed Tessandrafae was indeed a female. "I saw her post on our realm forums and with such a unique real life name, I spent a few minutes on Google and found all kinds of information about her. I was overjoyed to learn she lived only 2 hours away. I would finally have my Epic Princess," Kress said with a smile. Kress's demeanor darkened as he continued explaining the situation. "I had to kick that faggot Glimmerz from the guild. Everyone thought he was a she and Real ID confirmed it was a guy. Everyone used to spend all this time in Howling Fjord with him. So many guildies had picnics with him dressed in their Black Dress from the Love is in the Air event. We all thought he was a she," he said, shifting uncomfortably. Kress explained that he had traveled to Winters's hometown to "/dance with her IRL," and when she saw him in her window, she jumped and hit her head, falling unconscious. Kress then proceeded to open the window, pick up her lifeless body, and drive for 2 hours back to his place to tend to her wounds. When Kress was asked why he didn't simply take her to the local hospital, he replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "Their first aid wasn't high enough." Later, Winters was finally allowed to speak, reading a prepared statement in front of a massive gathering of journalists and reporters. Poor Play was able to obtain an exact transcript of the missive, faithfully reproduced below. He has treated me extremely well. I don't miss Either my friends or my family and I couldn't ask for a better Life. While the circumstances of my marriage are suspect, Please don't think less of me or my dear husband. Many people judge him from an outsider's perspective but Every thing he does is for me and our unborn child. (Oh yeah, we killed Halion 25 and a whole lot of us got our 25 man drakes. Yay Real ID!) 11 comments |
 11 of 12. This seemingly innocuous combination of letters and numbers is actually quite potent when you examine their meaning a little further. Here's a by-no-means-exhaustive list: - Number of doctors who prefer Tylenol over other leading brands - Number of Poor Play members who prefer Tampax over Kotex for those raids when we're REALLY bleeding - The number beers I go through in an evening before I ever begin to think "Maybe I should save some for tomorrow night." - The theoretical hottest Borg chick. I mean, if 7 of 9 was that gorgeous, 11 of 12 has to be on the "J in your P's on sight," level, right? - Poor Play's downed 25 hardmode encounters It's pretty impressive when you consider that our turnover rate as of late has been worse than a Pizza Hut staffed solely by high school kids (less acne, though). The monthly increasing Icecrown buff has done two major things for WoW players. First, it allows half the raid to survive the Blight Bomb ability of the Pustulating Horrors in the Plague Wing. At 15%, we can kill him before the Bomb goes off even with 95% of the raid afk. Second, it has made wearing the "Kingslayer" title the equivalent of riding around on those fruity pink proto-drakes from the holiday achievements just because they're 310% speed. We're not going to sit here and pretend the 15% buff didn't help in our accomplishment, though. It's a nice cushion to have, but I'm confident that we would have been fine with a 10% or lower buff. Know why? It's because Sindragosa was killed with the 10% buff and that was 50 times harder for us. "But Hush... where is your Sindragosa kill shot?" I hear some of you saying. Here it is, in all of its glory.  "But Hush... where is your Sindragosa kill shot?" Continued on the forums! 16 comments |
 It finally happened. The stars aligned last night as the loot table for The axe has done wonders for Belth's confidence level. He was pretty down after the shenanigans that surrounded the 2 or so Thori'dals that Kil'jaeden bequeathed upon our motley group of douchebags. I'd often find him, late at night, just sitting in the Swamp of Sorrows. The first time I saw his location in our guild pane, I was perplexed so I sent him a tell. The conversation went something like this: Me: "Hey man, Swamp of Sorrows? What gives?" Belthasar: "Yeah dude, just sitting out here. This entire zone is a reflection of how I feel. It is as if Azeroth herself manifested an area in which I could gaze at the stars and lament. A region that mourns with me the passing of The Burning Crusade and what would probably be my last attempt at a legendary. I sit here on the bank of the Pool of Tears and I cry." Me: "Oh Elune be praised, I thought you were going to run Sunken Temple." Now he picks fights with random undead and other Alliance Death Knights in a brazen show of his power.  Yo, she-bitch. Let's go. Continued on the forums! 25 comments |
 Good news is some of us got Frostwyrms, and we have a few other members who are really close to getting theirs as well. Bad news is apparently 10man HM Blood Princes is still hard cause GIANT HUGE ASS RED FIREBALLS OF DOOM are mistakenly really hard to move away from.  LAWL 7 comments |
 There are three topics that the helmet-wearing denizens of Uldum's tradechat enjoy talking about more than anything else: 1) Anal Blood Worms. It's not really a discussion, but that is always my entry (WINNING entry, sorry Birg) into the "Anal" game that pushes itself out and floats in trade chat until it is summarily flushed down the toilet by... 2) Gearscore = skill. It is eternally amusing to witness bad players fling around insults at other bad players on account of this subject. It's kind of like watching little Billy point and laugh at Susie for eating paste while he is picking his nose and eating it. 3) The state of Poor Play as a guild. I'll admit it, Poor Play hasn't been in the best of shape in recent weeks. Everyone knows this. A Jenga game, 15 minutes in, with a sugar buzzed 5 year old reaching for a bottom piece had a better chance of not crumbling to the ground than our guild. Who would the server hate? What was going to happen to a guild that has been around in one form or another since the game's release? Where would Droki go to hang out when he was kicked from Horde raids for having terrible DPS? Who would make fun of Na Fianna for the terrible music in their Lich King video? These were the questions on the forefront of everyone's mind. If it isn't apparent from the screenshot above, we've survived. Hardmode after hardmode boss has fallen, leaving only 4 fights for us to conquer other than Lich King. Hell, we're so proud we'll even brag about Heroic Gunship.  Continued on the forums! 13 comments |
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